Purple Crocodiles Catgirl (aka Artemis Rain) Author's Note: This story is a response to a story challenge put forth by a member of the Buffy Fan fic mailing list. The challenge is as follows: Darla realizing she can't have Angel until she gets rid of Buffy. Darla going to Sunneydale to mess with Buffy's mind. Buffy starts to loose it. Angel comes to save the day. Please have some of the following- - Buffy crying - the term 'Scooby bonding' - Angel finding out about 'Something Blue' - Riley's death - A rosery - an emotional breakdown - Spike talking to the fake 'Buffy head' ( that bond manicin thing) - A Riley Angel fight with (verbal or psyhical) - A crazy Buffy - Xander doing a pros and cons of both Riley and Angel This is my response. It takes place just after Darla is ressurected, and still mortal. Spoilers for "Something Blue." Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue. ***** Darla sat alone in a dimly-lit room. She pondered. She was also on the phone. "…then you better go catch it!!!" She laughed as the person on the other end hung up in disgust. "Crank calling Angel is so much fun…Ooh! And it's almost time to do it again!" She laughed maniacally. "Why won't Angel love me again? Doesn't he know I'll go crazy and kill people and try to take over the world without him? WHY!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY WON'T HE LOVE ME!!! I'LL RIP HIS HEAD OFF AND FEED IT TO HIM!!!!!!!!…Wait a minute….OH NEVER MIND!!!!!!!! I've tried everything from invading his dreams to framing him for murder, to crank calling him every thirty seconds! What do I have to do, eat a lot of cheese, put on a purple crocodile costume and dance around on my hands? Hey, that could work! Hmm, I could always kill… Ooooh! Shiny!" She started staring at the light fixtures in a zombie like fashion. Just then, Lindsay walked in. He took one look at Darla and called Lila. "Hey, Lila! What have I told you about making sure Darla gets her medication! If you want to keep her around, make sure she's taking her meds! Otherwise she sleeps outside!" ***** Several hours later, when Darla awakens from her trance… "…where was I? Oh yeah! I could always kill someone close to him for fun and profit! Hmm, what about that Buffy chick? Yeah, I'll mess with her mind, then kill her! Angel will be so proud!" and with that, she set off to Sunnydale. ***** Meanwhile in Angel's office… "Hmm, I wonder what Darla's up to now." Angel mused. "She hasn't crank called me in at least five minutes. She must be planning something big!" He stood up suddenly. "Gosh! I hope she's not planning on messing with Buffy's mind and then killing her! I bet that's it! I have to go stop her! And get away from this goddam phone!" Just then, Cordelia, Wesley and Doyle walked in. Seeing him packing, Cordy asked, "What's going on? Where are you going?" "Darla's going to Sunnydale to mess with Buffy's mind and kill her! I have to go stop her! Wanna come?" Then he saw Doyle. "Aren't you supposed to be dead or something?" Doyle shrugged. Wesley looked nervous. "Sunnydale? But, I'm afraid of Sunnydale! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!" "Shut up, you big weenie! You're afraid of your own shadow!" Cordy said. "My Shadow!? Where?! WHERE?! AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!" He ran under the table, then remembered he was afraid of under the table. "AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He shrieked like a girl and ran out the door. Just as he remembered he was afraid of running out the door, a car came along and killed him. "Oh, my god! They killed Wesley!" "You bastards!" ***** In Sunnydale… "Buffy, can we have sex?" "No." "But… But…Why not!?" "'cause I hate you, go away!" "But you looooove me!" "No, I don't you @%$#& psycho! Get lost!" She slammed the door in his face. Riley sighed. "Aaah, I knew she loved me." Inside her dorm room, Buffy swore to herself for ever taking that stupid class and meeting stupid psycho Riley, who had been following her around for months, convinced they were in love. Just as she was getting a baseball bat to bash herself over the head with, she saw something strange out of the corner of her eye. There, outside on the grass, was a purple crocodile, eating cheese and dancing around on it's hands! Buffy blinked, rubbed her eyes and looked again. It was still there. She ran to the door, where Riley was staring at her through the keyhole, opened it, grabbed Riley and dragged him to the window. "Do you see a purple crocodile eating cheese and dancing around on it's hands out there?" She asked. "Uh, no." Said Riley. "Hmmm, I must be going crazy." Buffy threw Riley into the wall, and slammed his face into the floor a few times before tossing him heavily outside and slamming the door in his face. Then she put duct tape over the keyhole and smashed all the microphones and cameras that Riley had hidden in the room earlier. "@#%$&* psychotic, stupid, idiotic, moronic army freak! I'm gonna @#%$&(*&$ #$%#$ $%# %$## stupid $%&%# %%^&^&%$ #$%%^#$%^ with a melon!!!!" Just then, there was a knock on the door. "GO AWAY!!!! THIS IS HARASSMENT!!!!!!" "Hey, Buff, it's us!" Said Xander "Oh, good. I thought that stupid stalker had come back. Well, come in!" She opened the door. Willow, Xander and Tara came in. "Hey, Buff! We heard you were a little down in the dumps! Well, I guess I would be too if I had to see Riley's face more than once a millenium. I didn't think it was possible to be that ugly!" Said Willow. "Oh, I got off track! Anyway, we knew you were miserable, so we thought we'd come on over for some Scooby bonding!" "Wow, thanks guys! You know, I really need it, what with Riley following me around everywhere. You know, he's starting to make me go crazy! Just a few minutes ago, I looked out the window and saw a purple crocodile eating cheese and dancing around on its hands! Weird, huh?" All heads nodded in agreement. "I Can't believe I almost thought about dating him! Wow! Good thing I was still hung up on Angel. Just imagine what Riley would be like if he was my real boyfriend! Wait a minute! Why was I still thinking about Angel? He's dead! And he dumped me!" "Well," Xander said, "he was the much, much better alternative to Riley. You see, sure Angel's dead, and he dumped you, and he has that pesky curse, and he can't go out in the sunlight, and he'll be the same age he is now when you're 85. He's got good qualities too, like…uh…like…his…hair! Yeah! That's it! He has good hair! Whereas Riley is a psychotic stalker with no brains or any redeeming qualities whatsoever!" "Yeah, that's why! Thanks, Xander!" " No prob! Hey, we brought videos! Who wants to watch Apocalypse Now!" Everyone groaned. ***** In Spikes crypt… "Oh, Slayer, would you like some more tea?" Spike asked the mannequin he thought of as Buffy. He was seated with her and several stuffed animals at a table covered with tiny cups and saucers. He sipped his imaginary tea and poured some more for Mr. Floppytail, the rabbit to his right before turning back to "Buffy". "What's that? Just another biscuit? Sure!" He handed her the plate full of imaginary biscuits. "Oh! Now don't drink that too fast! You might choke!" He said to the beat-up teddy bear across from him. "My, how I love these little parties!" ***** We run away in fear, only to return to Buffy and Willow's dorm room… "It gets better. I remember that it gets better!" "Didn't you say that last time?" "BUFFYYYYYYYY!!!!!!" Angel called as he broke down the door to the room. "Angel? What are you doing here?" "I came to protect you! Darla's here and I think she's going to mess with your mind and kill you!" "BUFFY'S IN DANGER??!!??!!" Riley ran into the room looking angry. "Don't worry, my love! I'll protect you!" "Don't you get it, Riley? I HATE YOU!!! I WANT YOU TO DIE!!!!!!!!! Remember when I told you I was getting married to Spike? I wasn't kidding! I was trying to get you to leave me alone!!!!" "I know! I saw you making out with him in Giles' apartment with my hidden cameras! Don't worry, I'll never let him touch you again!" "WHAT!?!?!?!" Angel yelled. "YOU WERE MAKING OUT WITH SPIKE?!?!" "Angel!! You don't understand!! It wasn't my fault, it was…" She looked around and grinning evilly, pointed at Riley. "HIS FAULT!!!! ALL HIS FAULT!!!!! KILL HIM!!!!!!! KILL HIM!!!!!!!!!" Snarling, Angel leaped at Riley, who was far too stupid to get out of the way. Angel pinned him to the floor and stabbed him with a nearby rosary. He looked around to see everyone celebrating happily. Buffy was crying. "Oh, Angel! Thank you so much! I owe you my life! How can I ever repay you?" She fell, sobbing, into his arms. She looked up. "Wait a minute! This means…I'M FREE!!!!!!! I'M FREE FOREVER OF HIS TORMENT!!!!!!! YIPIEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!" She ran out of the room and out onto the grass where Darla was taking off her purple crocodile costume. "Hey Darla! Got any cheese left?" "Of course! Help yourself! Listen, Buffy. I came here to mess with your mind and kill you, but I've decided you need to suffer a bit first. I know that stupid git Riley has been following you around, and I know you probably came here to beg for me to kill you so you could escape his horrible torment. Well, too bad!" She reached for more cheese and took a big bite. When she swallowed, however, she began to choke. She gagged for a bit and then fell over dead. Buffy rejoiced. She began to laugh maniacally as she donned the purple crocodile suit and reached for Darla's cell phone. "Let's see how Angel likes being crank called every 30 seconds! I'm sure if I call enough, he'll love me again!" And she danced off into the woods on her hands with the cheese balanced on her feet, laughing like the crazy person she had become. The End.